Updated: Mar 9
Where do I even begin..
Well, first. Welcome to So It Flows- a space I have been wanting to create for a long time. From the moment Yoga cracked my heart open and changed my life, I've felt this strong urge to share this knowledge and my experience with the world. Fast forward to now, and I'm finally sharing... all of it.
My yoga practice isn't seperate from, but IS my life. My practice doesn't start and end when I step on and off my mat. I define my practice as moving through life AWARE - which is both beautiful and challenging.
My intention with sharing my story is to connect a community of other seekers to fully experience their lives- through every ebb and flow, and to find that sweet balance in between. It is not easy sharing all of the experiences that shaped you, mainly because those stories that had the most impact are filled with moments of loss, challenge, fear, and trauma. These little stories shape and frame how we show up in the world, and yoga is how I have reframed how those stories define me.
Each week I will be sharing a short snippet of my life, unraveling more and more about myself and my journey here.This story goes much deeper then how or even why I left a whole life behind to teach yoga... this story is how every moment, and experience since the day I was born to this very breath, has unfolded, drifted, changed ebbed and flowed. Life was never a straight path, it was a deep ocean, filled with the calmest seas, and the most earth shattering quakes.
This awareness changed my life forever. To fully understand who I am, we need to start from the very beginning.
Here we flow...
Meeting Heaven & Hell
Don't let the title alarm you. Growing up, I had a pretty great childhood. I was loved, protected & nourished by two parents who loved raising two girls. My mom was made for motherhood and my dad filmed every moment and milestone of our lives. I was born in September, the day of my sisters 1st birthday (whoops). My parents did all they could to pave the most secure, fool-proof, safe path they could for us- sometimes to a fault. Helicopter mom at her finest.
I was taught that life was one straight line. You are born, you go to school, you work, you marry, you buy a home, you have
babies, you work more, you retire and you die.
I was born a wide eyed curious Virgo. The virgo in me liked this linear path, this "knowing" what comes next. I effortlessly checked things off of the list, excelling along the way. The curious side of me wanted to go DEEP.. into everything. I was always observing, and asking and wanting to know more. I have never been one to enjoy surface level conversation, and wanted to explore and understand EVERYTHING! I felt safe in the boundaries of my upbringing created, but the deeper I went the more I knew there was so much more to know.
At around the age of three I learned about Heaven:
My first dog Dusty had died. He was a small shaggy white dog, and I was too young to remember where he came from, or who owned this little shag before my parents got together. I vaguely remember any details of his death, or even anything about the dog, but one memory sticks with me- an angel.
Who knows if I were dreaming or not, but she was so beautiful. She looked like my grandmother who I never actually met since she passed when my dad was 4. We had a photo of her in the house, and this ball of light that was standing at the front door looked exactly like her. She came, and took Dusty away. . . and it was beautiful. Not sad, or difficult, but beautiful. After that day, I use to look up at the sky when riding in the car, and look at how light would peer through the clouds. I would think this must be heaven, this light. I would think if Dusty was brought up to the clouds in these beams of light, and if this is how my Grandmother Rose came down to take him?
It was all so real to me, this Light.
I went to a small Christian school from Pre-K to 3rd grade. I excelled in this structured system.
Living in this this box was easy. I made great friends. I learned to write and read. I learned the entire alphabet in sign language during recess by a girl named Manju. I met my best friend Lori (who became a huge part of my life and then later one of my biggest heart breaks.) I learned about Christianity, God, and eventually, in 3rd grade, I learned about Hell:
A place. Full of Fire. Punishment. Sad. The Devil. Eternity. Forever. No Forgiveness. No Light. . Shocked. This was a big turning point in my life because it was the first time I didn't truly understand something. It wasn't tangible, or clear. I didn't feel anything. This whole time, God was all Love. We were all Children. It was all Love and Light and Good, and all of a sudden there were requirements.
It didn't sit well with me, and for the first time, really got me thinking about life as a whole and how we all fit into it.
If there were a day that sparked my curiosity about what's behind it all, it was this day. I refused to believe what was taught, because in my little 3rd grade body, all I felt was fear... and all I knew about God was that it/she/he was all Love.
For the first time in my education, I wasn't ready to just take that in.
I didn't understand the requirements to Heaven vs. Hell... So I asked. How do we make sure we go to Heaven and not in this Hell with all of this fire?
At the time, the answer I got was to Know Jesus, and to ask him for forgiveness whenever we're not good.
Know Jesus? Know him?
I was so distraught...What about all the other children in the world who don't know Jesus? That can't be right.
How is everyone suppose to know about this.
How did I get lucky being born in this small town where there is a school that taught me this? What if I died before knowing all of this?
What if there are children who never get to know ANY of this.... ???
What about all the animals?
Did Dusty know Jesus?
What if, what if what if??
If we were all of Gods children, how could he deny any of us this spot in Heaven?
I came to this question several times in my life and what stuck with me was this inner Knowing. I could feel love. I felt God in my mother and father's arms, in my sister's laugh, and even in the death of Dusty. As a child, we are so connected to our tiny bodies. We feel so much, and don't logically know how to process it. I felt love and I felt fear, and I leaned into what felt Good.
My story is not one of Religion ( surprisingly after this experience, I didn't grow up very religious at all), but this story is more-so my journey to understanding All of it. I would say I was super connected when I was 3 - my most authentic age. I lost that somewhere along this path, and then I found it again. This is my journey to KNOWING. This is the start of my true exploration.
We didn't stay in a Private, Christian school much longer. My sister and I ended up transitioning to Public school the next year.
This is where I leave my child self behind, and become a girl navigating how to fit in, especially in this new environment - more wild and messy and free.This is where my next Chapter unfolds. . . and identity starts to play a major role. Many firsts of feeling embarrassment, of wanting to fit in, and in trying to navigate the ever changing body of a girl moving into her teens had the biggest impacts on how I move through my adult life. The exploration of the deep questions took a back seat as my life's main objective was working to just feel accepted.
I'll be stopping here for now, and will pick this back up next week.
As a side note:
If you are interested in healing your inner child and shifting limiting beliefs that were formed subconsciously, these are the primitive years to work with. Most of the memories that pop up during meditation, and those memories I work to reprogram come from this time.
Up next, I'm sharing the memories that had the biggest impact on - my voice, - my confidence, -and my biggest regrets during this time.
Every experience has a purpose. It teaches us how to navigate life, how to show up, and mirrors our greatest fears and our fullest potential. It's important to remember that we all had difficult challenges, we all have shame, and we all are here to journey through it all.
Our stories to not define us. We are always moving, shifting and changing and in this life we can bring in the future we desire no matter what sits in our past.
I am here to support and hold space for every story, and for every transformation.
Together we flow and evolve.
I would love to hear your stories of your upbringing. Those sweet first years we got to explore this world. Sharing is how we move through together, this is how we heal! If you choose to share your stories, tag me @soitflows__ or use the hashtag #soitflows Let's flow together.
So It Flows ~ ~